Defence Or Offence
by NineteenTwentyone
Summary: Harry's Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers get together to plot the death of Dolores Umbridge. Dialogue Fic. Rated T for language, just to be safe.


**This is a strange scenario I had running through my head one day which I decided to write down. This is entirely dialogue, I wanted it to seem as if it's being recorded for a meeting. For the story to work better, and be more amusing, I'm going to pretend that Lockhart is dead. I guess this is set after the Deathly Hallows. Please review if you like it!**

**Summary - Harry's Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers get together to plot the death of Dolores Umbridge. **

**Disclaimer - I don't own the characters **

_**Defence or Offence**_

"The meeting for the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers of Hogwarts during the schooling of Harry Potter is open."

"You never actually taught at Hogwarts Moody".

"And whose fault was that Crouch? Did you have fun, stuffing me in that trunk and brainwashing students whilst impersonating me?"

"Gentlemen, we're not getting anywhere by arguing. Alastor, what's on the agenda?"

"Right Remus, I apologise. Today's main item is an issue that has been pressing on my mind with increasing regularity lately. As you all know, every one of Harry Potter's DADA teachers have met with a rather unfortunate end. That is to say all but one."

"I assume you are referring to Dolores Umbridge"

"Exactly Severus. And I feel that this is a grave issue. Of all the Hogwarts defence professors she is the most hated."

"Yeah, she is definitely the biggest bitch of us all, and that's including Quirrell."

"Hey!"

"Sorry Quirrell, but Barty's right."

"Yeah, Remus agrees. You were kind of Voldemort's bitch"

"Hey! You're one to talk, Barty."

"You let Voldemort share your head!"

"Eww. That's disgusting. You shared your _head_?...Who's Voldemort?"

"Who invited Lockhart to this?"

"As I was saying, she is the most disliked teacher-"

"She's even more unpopular than you, Severus."

"Not helpful Remus."

"I was everyone's favourite. Harry even told me so personally."

"That's only because his first year professor had Voldemort in the back of his head, the second was a bumbling idiot who tried to obliviate him and his friend, the fourth was actually an imposter who used him to bring back Voldemort, and everyone thought I was an evil dictator and best friends with the Dark Lord."

"FOCUS!"

"Sorry Alastor."

"Right, where was I?"

"The most disliked teacher."

"Yes. So, we all agree that she is a monstrous demon from hell that deserves to die, yet she is the one who's alive whilst we are all here."

"I have no idea _where _I am."

"I put forward the movement that we, the other DADA teachers, kill Umbridge and deliver to her the divine retribution she deserves."

"That's a fantastic idea Alastor. Let's just kill the women for no reason other than that we are all dead and she's not."

"I'm dead? Really?"

"Sarcasm noted and ignored Severus."

"Well, I'm pretty sure it would bring the greatest amount of happiness to the greatest number of people, and she is a heinous bitch, so it seems justified in my mind."

"Oh please don't get all philosophical on us Remus."

"Just because your mind is unable to grasp something as delicate as philosophy Barty."

"We're getting sidetracked again."

"Thank you Severus. I really think this is an important issue gentlemen. We'd be ridding the world of a great evil."

"Does anyone know where my name is? I seem to have momentarily misplaced it."

"I agree with Moody. Umbridge is a depraved, iniquitous, middle aged woman. And you know how scary they become when they realise their best years are behind them and all they have left in their lives is their hideous collection of cat festooned crockery."

"You make a fair point there Crouch."

"Glad you agree Snape."

"What about you Quirrell?"

"I have no problem with the idea Remus."

"Right then. I make a move to kill Umbridge"

"Motion seconded Alastor. All in favour of the motion?"

"One, two, three, four, five…Lockhart?"

"Lockhart! Stop checking yourself out in the mirror and answer the question!"

"Hmm, what did you say Crouch?"

"Are you in favour of the motion?"

"Oh, um…yes, aye…which motion?"

"Motion passed. The subsequent assembly will be next week at the same time. I call that this meeting be adjourned."

"Agreed Alastor. Meeting adjourned."

"Thank you Remus."

"..."

"Right, I'm off then."

"Me too. I've got to get back to my iguana."

"I guess I'll be going as well then…can anyone remember where I live?"

"Severus, can you take Lockhart to his house?"

"Why me?"

"Oh alright! Quirrell, you take him."

"But my iguana!"

"You tried to kill Harry. You don't deserve to have an iguana."

"But Remus! Barty tried to kill harry too."

"Yes, but Barty's insane. And has already left."

"Fine."

"…"

"I think that went quite well, don't you Alastor?"

"Yes, very well Remus. What do you think Severus?"

"I suppose so...Now we just have to work out how to kill her."

…

"Shit."


End file.
